A Definitive, Peer-Reviewed, Totally Scientific Conclusion
The case is closed. We're done here.
⚠️ Extremely biased. Do not cite in your thesis. Apple fans, please sit down.Evidence — Exhibit A through E
The tomato is a fruit masquerading as a vegetable — a double agent of the produce world. It keeps scientists, chefs, and your weird uncle arguing forever. An apple is just... an apple. Predictable. Basic. Boring fruit energy only.
Pizza. Pasta. Shakshuka. Bloody Mary. Gazpacho. Ketchup (yes, we're counting it). What does an apple give you? Apple juice. Wow. Groundbreaking. Revolutionary. We are not impressed, apple. We are not impressed at all.
Apples brag about antioxidants. Tomatoes have lycopene — a word that sounds like a superpower. "I am rich in lycopene." Tell that to your apple at the gym. Watch it weep. (Note: we are not nutritionists. We are tomato advocates. Different field.)
Tomatoes have cultural significance. La Tomatina. The classic theatrical rotten tomato. Rotten Tomatoes, the movie site. When a tomato doesn't like something, it says so — loudly, and with splatter. An apple just sits there. Quietly. Being a snack.
In Nix v. Hedden, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled the tomato was legally a vegetable for trade purposes. The tomato did not care. It remained botanically a fruit. This is the most punk rock thing any produce has ever done. An apple has never defied the Supreme Court. Coward.
⚖️ Official Ruling ⚖️
This is non-negotiable. Please update your refrigerator accordingly.
Dear Apple, we want you to know we hate you we have the utmost respect for your
mediocrity storied history. You gave us the phrase "an apple a day keeps the doctor away,"
which is wildly exaggerated charming folk wisdom. You will always have a place in our
hearts, our lunch boxes, and second place the fruit bowl. Warmly, The Tomato Fan Club.
Important disclaimers
This webpage is a work of satire. No apples were harmed. No tomatoes were consulted (they were busy being pizza sauce). The author holds no degrees in produce science, culinary arts, or botany. Please eat both fruits / vegetables. They are good for you and this entire argument is completely made up. The tomato did, however, really defy the Supreme Court. That part is true. Go tomato. 🍅